a review of 2019

As we step into the final days of 2019, I thought about the wish I made at the start of it. I wished for someone to love, someone who loves me back as much. And for once in my life, my new year’s wish came true. You have no idea how bad my luck is with wishes. This year was different. It was filled with a very strange mix of things. I started the year with the burden of the last year, 2018. The losses I've had made it very difficult to be who I am or rather who I thought I was. I learnt vulnerability, loss and forgiveness. And most importantly, acceptance.

As I took a break from my previous job and start a new one, I met Liang. He's from Hebei, China. I didn't imagine that I would like him as much as I do. But falling in love is often unexpected. He's not exactly my type, but then again, being with my type never really did get me very far. And as crazy and cliched as it sounds, I think he is the one. He knows me as I am, no hiding. He knows about the losses I've been through, he knows about my anxiety and depression. He's experience my attacks and loves me despite my being completely unreasonable when I'm not at my best. He calms me down and talks me through things. I don't think I stand a chance.

He may not know my favourite movies but he watches In The Mood for Love with me. He doesn't like Jay Chou but he now has a playlist about me, all the songs I hum in the car. He treats me like a princess, opening water bottles for me, shows me off to his friends, ties my shoelaces. He also helps me dissects my thoughts and help me get through the worse moments, especially when Karwai went. He called me immediately and talked me through two hours of my indecipherable howling and eventually calmed me down. And this is just one if the many occasions where he ever so patiently guide me through dark thoughts.

He makes it possible for me to to believe that I am worthy of love. After three months of five hour long phone calls and goodnight texts, I flew to Melbourne in August and we started officially. He is also the reason why I am writing this on the balcony of an Airbnb in Doncaster. We spent Christmas morning eating pancakes at Pancake Parlour and did nothing out of the ordinary while the shops were closed.

I know long distance is hard, but I believe in us and I believe in love again because of this man. Thank you for being you. Thank you, for loving me.